April 18th through April 24th is Infertility Awareness Week. A week that affects many of us, however many of us suffer in silence. 

According to the CDC, infertility is actually quite common; however, you would have never guessed that. They estimate that 6% of women up to the age of 44 in the US are unable to get pregnant in the first year of trying to conceive. 12% have difficulty getting pregnant at all or carrying a pregnancy to term. Worldwide it is estimated that 48.5 million couples experience infertility (Reproductive Biological Endocrinology).  Infertility was one of the primary reasons for divorce in 2020 (International Journal of Reproductive Biomedicine). 60% of infertile individuals (men and women) report significantly high levels of anxiety and depression (Clinical Therapeutics). Nearly 41% of infertile women have depression, and 87% have anxiety (BMC Women's Health). 

It has taken me almost 7 years to be this open with my own struggles. Here I am, ripping off that bandaid. It's not entirely a secret but definitely something I have only shared with those closest to me or people close to me who have also struggled. This post, however, won't be about me entirely, but I feel it is time to open up and share my story in hopes that others don't feel as alone. 

As far as I know, one side of my family has never struggled with this issue, but I was lucky enough to take after the other side, who had many struggles. That, however, is not my story to share, just something to add for context. Knowing this, it wasn't completely surprising that I struggled as well. My husband and I had been married for several years; I was finally done with grad school and had obtained my license. The year before had been a roller coaster of emotions, lots of good things, but also the passing of my mom. We had recently moved from the Sacramento area closer to my family and settled into our new home; it seemed like everything was falling into place, so why not start trying for a family? At first, we weren't actively trying but weren't preventing it either. We figured how hard could it be after all? Everyone around us was doing it. 

After a year of being passive, we began to get more serious. I tried EVERYTHING... literally! You name it; I did it. Eating bananas, pineapple, drinking teas, taking supplements, crazy positions, diet, exercise, acupuncture, meditation... nothing worked. It had come to our attention that a few of our friends had also experienced the struggle. One particular fertility clinic came highly recommended by 2 different friends, who ironically both had twins as a result. So we scheduled an appointment and started the process. 

My heart raced as we walked in the front door of Northern California Fertility Medical Center in Roseville. My fears were quickly soothed by the fantastic staff. We met with the doctor who would be in charge of our treatment plan and a social worker. They discussed our options and the first steps. Primarily a lot of invasive and uncomfortable testing for myself. After getting all of the tests done, we had no clear answers as to why nothing had worked before. Both of us were given a clean bill of health, and our infertility was diagnosed as "unexplained." In the beginning, that felt like a relief; it seemed like this was good news. After 4 rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination) and all the crazy hormone pills and shots, being "unexplained" became a source of frustration. Why wasn't it working? The next step was IVF (in-vitro fertilization) at the cost of $16k and what seemed like a never-ending emotional roller coaster ride. 

You see, on top of the hormones making you crazy, you can gain a lot of weight but can't diet, and you definitely cannot continue doing intense workouts, which helps you maintain some level of sanity. Not only that, you're continuing to pee on sticks, having random people all up in your business, and make numerous trips within a span of 3 days to the clinic. Then the agonizing wait begins... you are hyper-aware of every little thing going on inside you in hopes that one of those weird sensations you experience means there is life finally growing inside you. Your periods are all over the place, so you pee on more sticks relentlessly in hopes that it will show any signs of positivity. You then see a faint double pink line only for a week later to find out that it didn't stick. Then you're confused about how to feel. 

There are so many other facets of the process, and it takes a toll on you emotionally, physically, financially, and relationally. To say I was surprised at the statistic around infertility and divorce, I can't say I am surprised. I was surprised, however, that the percentage of depression among infertile women did seem pretty low, in my opinion, but that doesn't mean it's not complicated. 

In conclusion, can we please start talking about this? Let's begin to chip away at the shame and guilt around this subject instead of leaving women (and men) to feel alone and insecure. Let's start supporting each other, encouraging each other, and spread the word. If this post can help just one individual struggling with infertility feel less alone, I have done my job. 

If you have any questions or would like to suggest a topic for a future blog, you can reach out to me by email at Colleen@ScatteredPotential.com, subscribe to my blog or my newsletter by filling out the form below. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.