Recently I began the process of developing “target” memories for a patient I am doing EMDR with and as we were developing these targets around eating disorder behaviors, I began to reflect on the messages I received growing up from well-intentioned family members. I struggled with self and body image growing up and I realize I am not unique in this. My mother struggled with her weight after having my brother and I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t “dieting” or when she wasn’t trying whatever new workout craze was in at the time. There were always various diet pills or water pills in the pantry. Some of my earliest memories revolve around the childcare at Jazzercise. I remember all of the workout videos we had, I mean who didn’t love Sweating to the Oldies or the ladies in leotards in one of the many Jane Fonda workout videos. I still remember how excited I was to get my first leotard and dress up and do the leg lifts as they did in the video. The thing is up until I was 21, the most I weighed was just over 100 pounds, I was never “fat” despite the constant negative self-talk in my head telling me that I was, over and over again.

The thing is, my mom didn’t know any better and most likely never realized how much this impacted me because she was just trying to be the person everyone wanted her to be, including herself. I wish that I could say this is a unique experience but my experience working with eating disorders tells me otherwise. As children we are constantly bombarded with messages about our bodies, they even come from our doctors. Yes, I believe that exercise and balanced nutrition are important for many different reasons but ‘healthy’ comes in all types of packages. I’ve seen so many people that look like society’s picture of health, yet when you look under the surface at their mental health and their medical records, you realize that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I also see people on the opposite spectrum, the people are brushed off as “binge eaters” with “no self-control.” Underneath it all, they’re the same. I also have seen a lot of people who feel food is off-limits, but when they do eat they’re so hungry they binge, and then when they’re done they feel like a failure and then proceed to induce vomiting to undo it all. Food is no longer just food, food has become the enemy or the abuser.

Food has become a “treat” or a “reward” that must be earned. Certain foods are “bad” and only vegetables are “good.” If we are to get that dessert we have to take “just one more bite” of those vegetables to get the “bad” food. Brownies are bad and vegetables are good. The problem with this is that it’s a “black and white” mentality. What happens when we get older and have access to those brownies? We eat one and instantly feel like we “failed” or don’t deserve it, we then beat ourselves up over it. But in the grand scheme of things, what is one brownie? And I know, some of you are like “I wish I could just eat 1 brownie!” Exactly! This is a result of the demonization of certain foods. Thus… eating disorders are born, a vicious cycle that will continue to repeat itself unless you heal your relationship with food and yourself.

This also taints our relationship with exercise. Exercise is seen as a way to “punish” ourselves or to “earn” that special treat. Thus we only see exercise as a chore, a task, or something to dread rather than something we enjoy doing. Exercise is good for us in so many ways when we do it for the right reasons. Exercise is not meant for weight loss, it is a natural requirement of our species. We need to move and be active. It helps regulate so many things in our bodies. Exercise is a great stress reliever when you do something you enjoy doing, not running in place on a treadmill for 45 minutes and getting nowhere because you “have to” burn off the lunch you had or the dinner you’re planning to have. Now if you’re one of those people who actually enjoys running (I have absolutely no idea how that feels) then sure, run on that treadmill for 45 minutes, but only because you want to and not because you ‘have to.’

I encourage you to take some time to reflect on your relationship with food. Where did your beliefs about food come about? When did you begin to base your self-worth on the number your scale shows or how “summer-ready” your body is? And the same goes for exercise… What are your goals when you exercise? Be honest with yourself. It may be time to reconsider or re-evaluate the relationship. It may be time to break up and move on to greener pastures of a healthier relationship. Next week, I’m going to focus on Mindful Eating.

If you’d like to learn more about eating disorders, resources, or have any questions, feel free to email me at Colleen@ScatteredPotential.com, subscribe to my blog or my newsletter by filling out the form below. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.