Surviving the Holidays: Part 2

While Grieving

Holidays are a stressful time of year even when everything is going right. Throw in a pandemic, isolation, anxiety, and grief and you have a recipe for a complicated holiday season. Whether you’re grieving from the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or infertility/pregnancy loss I hope that this blog helps you feel validated and gives you permission to be a little selfish this holiday season in the name of self-care.

If you’re grieving for whatever reason, give yourself permission to put yourself first. Step back and do less this year, allow others to step up and do more. Delegate tasks or set boundaries. Be honest with yourself first and foremost and respect your own boundaries around your physical and mental limits. However, don’t avoid doing anything and risk doing too little which can cause you to sink into a pit of depression that can be hard to get out of.

Consider going away for the holiday and skipping out on your annual traditions. Book that flight to Hawaii or Australia you have been putting off. Take a trusted partner/friend/family member with you or go by yourself. Allow yourself to do what you really want, what your soul really needs. Remember that this doesn’t mean you have to make this an annual thing but skipping out on one holiday isn’t going to be the end of the world. Or, if you find you enjoy it so much consider making it a new tradition.

Be selective of invitations you do or do not accept. If you’re struggling with infertility don’t accept an invitation to a party laden with children and/or pregnant women. If you’re going through a breakup consider declining a party dominated by couples. If you’re grieving ask yourself if going to that holiday work party is a good idea or if there will be a lot of questions if they don’t know about your loss or well-intentioned people who are aware and will be asking how you’re dealing with your grief.

Speaking of new traditions, consider making new ones. Involve different people, try new recipes, find a new destination, the possibilities are endless. Or, if you are experiencing a breakup of a relationship or the loss of your partner/loved one, continue a tradition you’ve found enjoyable anyway. Consider being more in nature and not exchanging gifts, or do. Find a new community event to attend. Try volunteering to provide whatever service you can to others. Research shows that reaching out and supporting others who also support us is a way to build resiliency and it also produces that “feel good” hormone I love talking about, oxytocin.

If you’re experiencing grief over a loss, whether it’s death or pregnancy loss consider celebrating that life. Write a letter to that person, express all your feelings in it. If you put up a tree, create an ornament in memory of that life. Make that person’s favorite food, honor that person by leaving their spot at the table open for them, say a toast for them, visit and decorate their gravesite, light a candle, or take a moment of silence. Share funny stories and/or memories. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes, hearing these stories also allows others to share their happy memories, honor that person’s legacy and give permission to those who may not have felt comfortable otherwise to talk about that person for fear of upsetting you.

Make a plan and even a backup plan. If Plan A doesn’t feel right, have your backup plan ready. Tell the host ahead of time your plans and your wishes so they are aware but they can also sometimes run interference. If you’re dealing with infertility/pregnancy loss decide in advance with your partner how you will handle difficult or insensitive questions. Or, questions from those nosey relatives that want to know when you’re going to have a baby or why you don’t have any already.

Finally, don’t close yourself off from having a good time, enjoying yourself because you are still here and finding meaning is essential in the grief process. Please don't forget that you're not alone, there are others who are going through the same thing or have gone through something similar in the past. There is hope and if you’re struggling to find that consider reaching out to a trusted friend or a support group. Grief can feel very isolating at times, it can cause a great deal of conflicting emotions, and finding people who can relate or commiserate can be comforting.

Happy Holidays!

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