Untapping the Potential of the ADHD Woman

Much like the inspiration for the name of this website, many women with ADHD have brilliant ideas and talents but don’t believe in themselves enough to channel these abilities. Due to the plethora of messages they received throughout their lives, women can develop a negative core belief of themselves regardless of if they have ADHD or not. However, ADHD women often grew up feeling like they were not good enough because they didn’t learn like their peers and felt inferior. They feel unproductive because they often forget to follow through with things they have little interest in, feel lazy because they cut corners or find shortcuts to completing mundane tasks they see no purpose for, and if they are a mom the message they often get is that they need to have it all together to be a good mom or they are a failure. But none of these things are true…. 

You see, many of us women with ADHD are actually very smart, our brains just don’t work in a linear process like many neurotypicals. It may take us longer to connect the dots or we may get distracted by something else before coming back to the original thought. This can lead us to feel anxious and overwhelmed which can then lead to feelings of depression or “imposter syndrome” and then we can give up or get passed over. When we are tired of being passed over, feeling anxious, or overwhelmed we look for ways to help us become more organized and productive. This often looks like us spending HOURS researching, which then makes people and ourselves doubt that we have ADHD because, after all, people with ADHD can’t focus, right? Then we finally implement the “workarounds” and as long as we can have it done EXACTLY how we want it WHEN we want it then we’re good. But this turns into what appears to be OCD and then if people interfere with our process, we get irritated or agitated and then we have “anger problems” or it appears as if we “must have OCD” and then we feel anxious. Once we feel anxious again, we start to feel depressed again and give up on these things because obviously, we’re not good enough just like we originally thought. Our negative core belief is reaffirmed.

Sound familiar? Welcome to a day in the life of an ADHD woman… 

Women are often underdiagnosed as compared to men for a variety of reasons. I see it almost every day in my practice. So why is does this happen? I will briefly explain some of these reasons-

Anxiety and Stress- Often times a woman is expected to remember and do everything gracefully. As women, we are often conditioned throughout our upbringing to be the ones to take care of everyone and put our needs to the side. We often ignore our need for a time out and feel an overwhelming pressure to pile more responsibility onto our plate. Then we start to worry about how we are going to get it all done. Or we worry about all the other “what ifs”. If we have ADHD these traps are even easier to fall into and our Anxiety can often feel like Anxiety on steroids. Sometimes this looks like us daydreaming or being stuck in our heads. We sit quietly and think away, sometimes appearing to have it all together and we’re really good at it. 

Depression- When the anxiety and stress become too much and the voice in our head doesn’t shut up with all the negative self-talk, we begin to feel depressed and hopeless. Feelings of failure begin to surface or the feelings of being an “imposter” start to fester. What is the point in doing most of the things we have to do? Especially things to take care of us like our daily hygiene, going to the gym, or eating a balanced diet. And then there’s the fact that ADHD is typically associated with a deficit in dopamine, the neuro-hormone which makes us feel good, therefore this deficit results in us feeling even worse. 

Laziness or ditzy-ness- People will sometimes label us as lazy because we forget to complete a task altogether or we remember it when it’s too late. We’re brushed off as forgetful or unorganized. Sometimes people think that we’re just missing a few brain cells, they find it hard to take us seriously. Yeah, we may have a million random thoughts bouncing around but oftentimes in our minds, there is a connection, you may not see it though. 

OCD- When we get tired of hearing about how we are “lazy” or “forgetful” or “messy” we want so hard to be “normal.” So, we invest and spend a TON of money on ways to help us be more organized and productive. We will sometimes hyper-focus for hours to find ways to be more organized. Once we find what works for us, we use it RELIGIOUSLY! We excel when our lives are routine and scheduled. Then we experience anxiety and apprehension sets in when there is a threat to this routine and structure. Sometimes, it’s more than we can handle emotionally. You might then see us either become irrational, frustrated, or just break down and cry for what appears to be no apparent reason. I spent many years working in special education and I have to implement several of the interventions I had to use with my autistic students. Transitions are HARD and interruptions are IMPOSSIBLE! No, we’re not just “overly emotional” and please stop trivializing emotions.

Another common symptom that may look like OCD is our need to double and triple-check things. Sometimes we forget whether or not we have done something like locking the front door or remembering to turn off our straightening iron before we run out the door for work. Despite the sticky notes all over my house and in my face, I still forget to do certain tasks when in a hurry. I then spend all day worrying about whether I did them or not. Luckily, we’re slowly making our “dumb” home “smart” so I can now check whether or not I turned off certain lights before I left the house. The next purchase will be a wi-fi power strip for my hair straightener and curling iron so even if I forget, I can turn it off remotely. My ADHD brain loves all this new technology.

Snobby or rude- If we’re focused on something and it needs our undivided attention, we may need you to keep quiet for a minute. Some people may have gotten really good at zoning you out. If our train of thought is interrupted we’re likely to get frustrated. We don’t intend to be rude but it takes every ounce of our energy to get something done sometimes. If you invite us somewhere and we forget or show up really late, this isn’t because we are being intentional about it or you aren’t important, we struggle tremendously with this. Maybe you text us and we get distracted, we might then respond to you 4 days later or not at all. Honestly, we genuinely get distracted and forget. We probably remembered to text you back several times but it was in the middle of something else that prevented us from responding right then and there. Sometimes we even imagine our response to you so intensely or repeatedly that it may feel like we did respond. Being friends with us can be difficult and for that I apologize, Be patient, we truly appreciate your friendship.

I came across an article a while back on ADDitudemag.com written by a therapist who herself has ADHD but didn’t realize what it actually looked like until she was diagnosed. I can say the same thing for myself. It was mentioned to me back in middle school and a few times between now and then. I learned what ADHD looked like in grad school and memorized enough of the DSM criteria to pass my license exams. I had no idea what it ACTUALLY looked like in real life until I had an “ah-hah” moment myself after receiving some not-so-positive feedback from clients about “talking too much” and “pushing” too hard. At first, this hurt my soul, after all being a therapist was all I had ever wanted to be. So, I sat back and thought to myself, “I knew I wasn’t good at this!” and then the thoughts rolled in…. (Imposter Syndrome Mode Activated)

All of those negative thoughts I had about myself were stronger than ever. I was “not good enough”, “not smart enough”, “all my peers are better and more competent than me”, “I knew they would find out I’m an imposter eventually” and “I just know they’re going to fire me, I’ve been found out!”. All these thoughts drowned out the fact that I had worked in several settings for a while now and was never fired. If I was really that bad, they would have fired me, right? I also ignored the fact that I had been doing therapy for over 10 years at this point, if I really was that bad it would have been obvious before this point. I also ignored all of the positive feedback I had received from clients, their families, other co-workers and supervisors/managers/etc. But it was a good opportunity for some reflection on my practice. How I could make some changes? As therapists, we’re constantly growing, learning, and adapting to new research, or at least we should be.

I had my wake-up call that my ADHD was in fact a problem and getting in the way of the treatment I wanted to provide to my patients. I finally accepted that ADHD was interfering with my life and I might actually need to ask for help. I mustered up the courage and reached out to a psychiatrist. As I sat there in the psychiatrist’s office completing the ASRS-5 (an ADHD self-assessment tool), I found myself overthinking and changing my answers because there I was again, failing because “a mark in the gray boxes are bad!”. When I finally made it to question five, after overthinking and changing the previous 4 questions several times, I broke down in tears and had to finally admit to myself that ADHD was in my life more than I had ever realized. I was tired! I finally accepted ADHD and the help I needed. It was a life-changing experience… and now I’m here. Sharing my experience, my knowledge, and learning so much about myself along the way. If I haven’t said it already, now is a better time than any, THANK YOU for reading this. If all you amazing people weren’t reading there would be no point in my continuing this journey. This is as much for you as it is for me.

Oh, and on a side note before I close this blog entry… On my 2nd day on the right medication, I realized that #1 my ADHD was the cause of my anxiety and brief periods of depression/lack of self-esteem, and #2 the biggest surprise… ADHD was the root of my road rage and overwhelming need to get anywhere as fast as possible. Who would have thought? Oops…

If you would like to talk more or find out more about women and ADHD feel free to contact me at Colleen@scatteredpotential.com, subscribe to my blog, or my newsletter by filling out the form below. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.