ADHD and Relationships

There are many conflicting reports, so it's hard to tell exactly what the divorce rate is among those of us with ADHD. However, they estimate that somewhere between 40-60% of adults with ADHD are likely to be divorced. When I first read this years ago, I was astonished by this number, but then I started thinking about it more closely and paying more attention to my patients who had ADHD or were married to a partner with ADHD. I began to realize all the things that could likely cause this high divorce rate. As an adult with ADHD, it's hard for me to have patience with myself sometimes, so I could only imagine how difficult it would be for someone on the other end.

It's also not just because of the individual with ADHD; unfortunately, a large percentage of us are victims of emotional abuse, either covert or overt. Gaslighting is, unfortunately, a pervasive reality for many of us with ADHD at the hands of our partners. We already have this idea that we're not good enough, we're not worthy, we're forgetful, etc., etc. Then we find a partner who uses this against us. I can't tell you how many times I would look for something I know I put in a specific spot because that was its place (otherwise I would lose it) only for it to be missing and to question the only other person in the house to hear, "I didn't touch it. You must have moved it." You begin to feel like you're crazy. 

If you're the one with ADHD, you may feel this or feel like you're constantly being criticized, questioned, or made to feel inadequate due to your "deficit" or your inability to focus. This can either be due to your partner's frustrations and thinning patience or due to emotional/verbal abuse. I can remember too many times where I was the butt of someone's joke. I should also mention I have dyslexia and would often mispronounce or misspell words. It would result in what to the outside world seems like "all in good fun" poking, but when you've grown up your entire life being told you aren't smart enough and then to experience that regularly in your relationship, it stings. Or when you're telling a story (if you have ADHD or know someone with ADHD, you know act I am talking about) and you make these random connections that seem not to make sense to anyone else… you often have to explain yourself or risk being teased or laughed at. 

On the other hand, many partners are frustrated, overworked, and stressed out. It takes a very patient person to be able to have the capacity on top of their own stressors to deal with the shortcomings those of us with ADHD have. Someone who reminds you to grab your phone/wallet/sunglasses before you step out the front door. The person who asks you as you rush out the door as you are running late for work… yet again… if you remember to grab your lunch. Someone who reminds you and keeps you on track when you're getting ready to go to and vent versus nagging and commenting about how you're so spacey. 

It can be hard to be with someone like us; you may feel lonely, ignored, or unappreciated. Yet you do so much for us, we may not say it or remember to say it, but trust me, we appreciate you more than we can express for helping make our lives just that little bit easier. It may seem like something that only saved us a few seconds, but those add up, and they also help keep us on track. If you've spent enough time with someone with ADHD, you know that we both hate structure/consistency/routine, but that also helps us function. To the outside world, it looks like we have anxiety/OCD/OCPD/whatever. Still, these are the things that allow us to feel less exhausted and more successful so if something throws us off, we can quickly get emotionally dysregulated. If this happens first thing in the morning, it has the potential to set us up for the rest of the day in the wrong mood, so trust me when I say this, THANK YOU for making sure we have our lunch/water bottle/cell phone/you-name-it. 

If you don't hear these things, it can lead you to start feeling resentful and can slowly begin to drive a wedge in your relationship. This can lead to your ADHD partner feeling rejected, and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is very real and very common in ADHD, which can lead us to start to feel insecure about the relationship and question everything. We may need more constant reassurance that you're happy in this relationship and aren't going anywhere, which can lead to more frustration on your part. It can quickly turn into this vicious, destructive cycle that leads to divorce/break-ups/etc. 

So what can you and/or your partner do to minimize the impact: 

1) Go to couples therapy- No, couples therapy is not just to save your already failing marriage. Couples therapy is good at any point in a relationship. Even better if it's the beginning because it can help address potential future issues/communication problems and prevent them from happening in the first place. 

2) Go to individual therapy (both of you)- If you are the one with ADHD, I can guarantee you got some "stuff" to unpack. How could you not? There is a very high comorbidity rate of ADHD and trauma as well as ADHD and substance abuse, and you probably know that all three often go hand-in-hand-in-hand. As the partner, I'm sure you have stuff too, maybe not the same stuff, but it can be difficult being with us. Therapy can be an excellent place for you to learn to manage your frustrations, learn ways to communicate your needs effectively, and just vent about how you want to pull your hair out living with us. 

3) Educate yourself (again, both of you!)- It's not only crucial for those of us with ADHD to understand ourselves, how ADHD impacts us, and how we can manage it, but for our partners to understand it as well. They can learn how to better support us, not take things so personally, and just get a better understanding of what it's like to be in our brains 24/7… Hint: It's exhausting!

4) Praise your Partner- My fellow ADHD peeps, praise your partner daily and as much as possible for what they do to help you. Make sure they know that you appreciate all the helpful things they do. This also helps to reinforce these supportive behaviors and reduce the ones that add to the struggle. 

5) Encourage your partner- Non-ADHD partners encourage your partner but don't try to 'fix them; they aren't broken; their brain just works differently. They know their shortcomings, and we are also natural problem solvers. Sometimes we just want to sit in our feelings and complain, but when we feel supported in those moments, it helps us get through them quicker, feel supported, and then it's easier for us to get into our logical adult brains and do what we need to do. 

6) Split up tasks based on strengths/interests- It can be easy for any relationship, not just the ADHD relationship, to feel like you're doing all the work, and that's because we're often doing all the things we hate rather than the things we're actually good at. Despite our progress in society, we still subconsciously subscribe to gender norms. Ladies, if you like mowing the lawn, mow the damn lawn. Men, if you want to cook/bake, by all means, go ahead and do your thing! (I also hate cooking, but I do love to eat!) And if there is something that neither of you likes to do, hire out or do it together and try to make it fun. 

7) Limit Screen/Device Time- Set boundaries and limits around screen time. Those pesky little devices can seriously ruin a relationship. They're already addictive enough, and when you take into consideration our issues with dopamine, it's easy to see how we can become so lost in our phones and "pay attention" to that for hours vs. being present with you. 

8) Exercise or get active together- Or just do any physical activity together, it's a great stress reliever, but it also helps the ADHD brain focus. You can also make a trip out of it, a way to spend quality time together in nature or at the gym or being silly and playing "Just Dance." 

I'll stop here, but I don't want this to be all negative and make it sound like we're impossible creatures to be with. We aren't! 

Perks of being in a relationship with an ADHD partner:

• We're fun and spontaneous, creative, compassionate, and energetic. We are often very silly, don't take ourselves too seriously, and are natural comedians.

• As parents, those with ADHD tend to be more hands-on and fun. They like to move, interact more and be adventurous with their kiddos.

• Research shows that we tend to have higher sex drives… enough said.

• Research also shows that we may have higher IQs on average and are more likely to be successful entrepreneurs… more perks!

• Being social is another plus. We love doing things and being around people. So you can count on barbecues, game nights, and other social events.

If you're an individual with ADHD, just know that it's not all doom and gloom… just because your chances of getting divorced are higher doesn't mean you will, doesn't mean it's your fault, and also doesn't mean getting divorced is a bad thing. 

If you're the partner of an ADHDer… Thank you! The fact that you're reading this says volumes and means you're open to learning more about how we operate, how to support us, and most importantly, how to not take our actions (or lack thereof) personally. 

We may be all over the place, but I will tell you're pretty fucking awesome people, and we often will be more understanding, supportive, and loving than someone who doesn't have ADHD because we know what it's like to need all of the love languages. 

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