Just Say "No."... To more than you can handle

So what does saying "no" have to do with time management? A lot! How many of you feel stressed and overwhelmed already only to hold your breath when you know someone is about to ask you to do something you just don't have the energy to do. How many of you can confidently say "No"? Many people feel guilty if they say no which leaves them reluctantly agreeing to whatever is being asked. Often times this leads to more feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed. People are afraid of disappointing those around them or feel that there is something wrong with them if they can’t do everything.

What happens though, is self-care goes out the window leading to more stress, which causes irritability or feelings of resentment adding additional strain to your relationships. There is nothing wrong with saying "no" regardless of the reason. There is also nothing wrong with saying "no" and setting boundaries with your boss. Keep reading and I'll include tips on having these conversations with your boss because I hear this all the time. 

So before we begin talking about the message, we have to focus on the delivery of the message, because your message is only as good as the delivery. 

Non-Verbal Queues

1. Make sure you are making appropriate eye contact with whomever you are speaking to.

Looking down or away sends the message that you don’t have confidence in yourself or what you are saying. 

2. Keep a steady even tone.

Trailing off, mumbling, raising your voice, and/or yelling all distract from your message. If you get quiet, it will send the message that you are not confident in what you are trying to say or your needs. Raising your voice and/or yelling sends the message that you are aggressive, don't care what the other person has to say and therefore that person stops listening to you and starts building their defenses. 

3.Body language and bubble space are important.

Don't get up in someone’s face, this comes across aggressive and again that person will not hear your message but instead be in their head making their defense. Backing away on the other hand again sends the message that you are not confident in what you are saying. Aggressive gestures and folding of your arms also have the tendency to send off aggressive signals to the other person. 

So if you want to make sure you get heard, make sure you're also practicing the non-verbal aspect of these skills. 

Verbal Communication Skills

Take a minute and answer these questions with yourself. Write them down as you go, if you find that to be helpful.

1. What is the problem? 

I'm not talking about the most recent incident where your husband didn't put the toilet seat down, your kid didn't take out the trash like you asked or your boss ignored your request for help. These are all symptoms of the problem, what is the underlying problem. You don't feel supported? Do you feel disrespected? We often tend to react to the most recent symptom of the problem, our emotions come flooding in and we say whatever comes to mind first. Things we cannot take back can escalate the situation and nothing gets resolved. So first, step back, clear your head and identify the real problem. 

2. What are your feelings, needs, or wants? 

If you don't know what they are, how can the other person possibly know unless they have the ability to read your mind? Take a minute to write all the emotions down as well as your needs/wants, this will help you, in the end, should the situation call for a compromise. 

3. What is your goal? 

What is it that you want to accomplish by having this conversation? What is your end game? Again, determining this will help you in case you should have to compromise. It’s also how you'll know that your needs were met. 

4. Pick an appropriate time and place to have this conversation. 

Don't wait until 4:50 pm on a Friday to tell your boss that you are tired of them asking you to come in on Saturday. Don't bump into your kid’s dance instructor at the grocery store and tell them how frustrated you are that they canceled the show at the last minute and now you're out $300. Make sure these conversations are done in appropriate places with plenty of time for a resolution or at least an agreeable stopping point to reconvene later. 

5. Directly address the main person involved. 

Don't go through this person's spouse, co-worker, significant other, etc. This puts them in an awkward position but it also opens the door to miscommunication. Go straight to the source. 

6. Try using statements like, "I feel (blank) when you (blank)." 

Using this format takes some of the blame off of the other person; improving the likelihood they will hear what you are saying. This also allows them the chance to reflect on how their actions might have come across differently than they had intended. By using this format you are taking responsibility for how you feel because again only you have the ability to control how you feel about something. 

 7. State your needs, wants, and goals. 

This allows the other person to know what it is that you want or need. Again, they can’t read your mind. It also allows them to ask for clarification to ensure you're both on the same page. However, it’s not their responsibility to meet all your needs, so this is a good chance for them to express themselves but also possibly open the door to a compromise you will both be happy with. 

8. State the consequences. 

A consequence doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be something negative. There are such things as positive consequences. Know your audience, determine if clear-cut negative boundaries are needed, or is this person the type that needs to know what’s in it for them. If you phrase it in a positive way, they might be more likely to agree to it. 

*This works well with an authority figure, like your boss. 

9. Be willing to compromise. 

This is why you identified your goals, needs, and wants earlier. Some compromise is necessary. So it’s a good idea to know what your best case scenario is ahead of time so that it's easier for you to have a good idea of what will make you happy if you have to compromise and what you're not willing to give up. 

10. PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE!

Seriously! Do this in front of the mirror, videotape yourself or ask someone you trust to role-play this conversation, especially if you have a tendency to be passive. The more you practice the easier it will be to get your message across. 

It's important that we take a step back and evaluate what’s already on our plate before agreeing to add more. We all need balance in our lives and we need to have time for self-care or else we'll get burnt out. You don’t want to be angry and resentful towards the ones you love, so it may feel uncomfortable at first but in the end, it will allow you to enjoy life a lot more. 

 It’s also ok to ask for help, it doesn’t mean you're not good enough or a failure. It means you’re human. We all need help at some point; it's not a character flaw. 

 Next week’s blog will focus specifically on the importance of self-care, boundaries, and making sure your energy is being spent on those things that are important to you. 

If you'd like to learn more about boundaries and assertive communication feel free to message me at Colleen@scatteredpotential.com, subscribe to my blog or my newsletter by filling out the form below. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.