Should I Stay or Should I Go?

With my least favorite holiday, Valentine’s Day, creeping up on us quickly I want to change directions for a bit to talk about relationships for the next few blogs. Many times, we find ourselves in relationships that either aren’t fulfilling, are abusive, or have run their course but we choose to stay because we fear being alone or of what others might say. Maybe we don’t want to upset our families, the other person is dependent on you, we’re afraid because the other person is abusive and has threatened us or themselves, or we don’t believe in ourselves and our abilities. 

Regardless of your age, it’s never too late to start over if you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, regardless of the situation. We all deserve to be happy and treated well and others deserve the same from us, it’s not fair to anyone to stay in a relationship that has run its course. 

I see a lot of clients who feel like they’re too old to be single and start over, even in their 30’s. Maybe they’ve been married for years and want to make it work for the kids or they’re afraid to leave their partner because they’re abusive. The reasons vary, but no one deserves to spend their life unhappy, miserable, or abused. 

How do you know if your relationship is in trouble? 

Independence vs Dependence 

• A healthy relationship involves both partners having their own interests, activities, and friendships. 

• An unhealthy relationship typically has one person who is overly dependent on the other or creates that need for the other to be dependent on them. Sometimes, there is a threat to do something drastic if the other leaves. 

Partnership vs Domination

• Similar to the above, a healthy relationship is characterized by joint decision-making, similar interests, and shared responsibilities. 

• An unhealthy relationship is often characterized by the domination of the other partner, often in the form of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. Sometimes financial and sexual abuse. 

Honesty vs Dishonesty

• I think this is a pretty obvious one but a healthy relationship includes absolute honesty, even when it hurts. Each partner feels safe sharing their dreams, fears, and concerns. They tell each other how they feel and openly communicate their needs and desires. 

• Dishonesty and sneaky behaviors typically are seen in unhealthy relationships. One partner lies or keeps information from the other. Sometimes they do things to hurt or sabotage the other partner or take from them. 

Respect vs Intimidation

• Healthy relationships between 2 people doesn’t mean you always have to agree, but they do respect each other and their differing opinions. They support each other in all their goals. 

• Intimidation is often used in unhealthy relationships to get their way, sometimes they’re super charming in public or around others but once home they can become aggressive. They do things to get their way no matter who gets hurt. 

Humor vs Hostility

• A healthy relationship involves the ability to have fun together and laugh. You enjoy joking around and not taking yourself too seriously, just enjoying each other’s company. But not at each other’s expense.

• Hostility may be seen in an unhealthy relationship either in private or socially. One partner seems to get upset at the little things, often making the other feel like they’re “walking on eggshells.” Rather than laughing and making jokes, the jokes are often one-sided and are bully-like. 

 Side Note: These things don’t just apply to romantic relationships, they can apply to friendship and family members (i.e.- parents, siblings, etc)

Ok, this is great and all but what do I do if my relationship is more unhealthy than healthy? What if I am the one on the receiving end of the disrespect? What do I do if I am the aggressor?

Regardless of your situation, reading this and being honest with yourself is the first step. Just because you have more of the “unhealthy” characteristics than you would like, doesn’t mean your relationship is a lost cause. 

There are a lot of awesome couples’ counselors out there, you can find them on the directories I have listed on my “Resources” page. You can often also find classes in your community that can be helpful. There are a lot of great books regarding couples. The 5 Love Languages and 5 Apology Languages by Gary Chapman are a great way to start the conversation. The Gottman Institute has many great books and workbooks. You can also find great resources for free online to help improve your relationship. 

I always encourage individual counseling regardless of whether or not you choose to see a couples’ counselor with your significant other. Often, times there are underlying reasons why we tend to attract or stay in unhealthy relationships. Additionally, an unhealthy relationship can cause additional stresses that can be addressed in counseling. I would suggest learning assertive communication skills to improve communication with your significant other, as well as friends and family. 

If there is abuse, I would recommend any of the books by Patricia Evans to help determine if the relationship is something you wish to try and work on.

Reminder: No one deserves to be abused regardless of the type of abuse, so DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR LEAVING! 

A Safety plan is a necessity if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

1.Identify people you trust. Ask for help in case you need to leave. Plan where you will go and let others know the plan.

2.Call 9-1-1 if you’re in immediate danger. 

3.Reach out to community resources, get help with leaving if you need to, or keep yourself safe. 

4.Pack a bag that won’t be missed. Hide it somewhere, or in your car, or leave it with a safe person. Make sure to pack: cash, clothes, personal items you may need, medications, house, and car keys, important phone numbers should you be separated from your phone, driver’s license or other government ID, birth certificates, social security cards, passports, health information, car titles, house deeds, rent receipts, marriage license, immigration records, etc. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline

800-799-7233

TTY: 800-787-3224

NDVH.org

Resources by County in Northern California: 

Alameda

1. A Safe Place (510) 536-7233

2. La Familia (510) 881-5921

3. Mujeres Unidas (510) 261-3398

4. SAVE (510) 794-6055

5. Tri-Valley Haven for Women (800) 884-8119

Contra Costa

1. STAND! (888) 215-5555

2. The Latina Center (510) 233-8595

Fresno

1. Marjaree Mason Center (559) 233-4357

Marin

1. Marin Abused Women’s Services (415) 924-6616

Napa

1. Napa Emergency Women’s Services (707) 255-6397

2. SafeQuest Solano (707) 557-6600

Placer

1. Placer Women’s Crisis Line (800) 575-5352

Sacramento

1. WEAVE (866) 920-2952

San Francisco

1. WOMAN, Inc. (877) 384-3578

2. CUAV (LGBTQ) (415) 333-4357

San Joaquin

1. Women’s Center of San Jo. Co. (209) 465-4878

San Mateo

1. CORA (800) 300-1080

Santa Clara

1. Next Door (408) 279-2962

2. Support for Battered Women (800) 572-2782

3. Las Isla Pacifica (408) 778-9672

Solano

1. SafeQuest Solano (707) 557-6600

Sonoma

1. YWCA Women’s Emergency Shelter (7070 546-1234

Stanislaus

1. Haven Women’s Center (209) 527-5558

Yolo

1. Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Center (530) 662-1133

If you need help identifying resources outside of the Northern California area feel free to email me at Colleen@ScatteredPotential.com, I have pre-populated a non-identifying discreet “Subject Line”, feel free to change it if you wish if your email is safe from prying eyes.

If you’d like to ask more questions about your relationship, have some feedback or anything feel free to contact me at Colleen@scatteredpotential.com, subscribe to my blog or my newsletter by filling out the form below. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.