Grieving During COVID

Grief is hard enough let alone having the current restrictions due to COVID. COVID has complicated the grief process. Many people are not only being unexpectedly affected by illness and death but they’re being prevented from being able to see their loved ones in their final days or having the ability to engage in traditional activities around the death of a loved one. A time when we need each other we are being limited in our interaction with others. Loss has become very complex.

I have been encouraging my patients to find online support groups, there are various ones on Facebook as well as the website Grief Share. Reach out to people in your home for support, reach out by phone or facetime. I also encourage people to find a way to creatively honor their traditions and customs around the loss of a loved one.

I also want to normalize the wave of emotions that are experienced in the grief process under normal circumstances, many of which are being exacerbated by the current restrictions and limits. Shock is a common reaction initially and denial may be experienced. Followed by waves of guilt, anger, and anxiety. It’s a good idea to normalize the grief process and everyone’s different ways of grieving. Often we refer to the Stages of Grief when talking about the process but it’s important to note that they’re not linear stages and we often vacillate between these stages, sometimes even several times a day. We sometimes search for meaning in the loss or that insatiable need for some sort of emotional connection with the deceased. We have a lot of unanswered questions or things we wish we had gotten to say to our deceased loved ones.

I often encouraged patients to write letters to their deceased loved ones. If they’re able and willing, I encouraged them to go to their gravesite as well to read the letter when they feel ready. I have had a few patients report how much this has helped close the door of the “unknown” or have gotten the much-needed closure they were looking for. Or write a “living” story of the deceased which involved positive and happy memories/moments. It is helpful in remembering and focusing on the positive memories as well as lessons learned. This can be done through any medium possible such as writing, music, art, and poetry. I had a patient who loves to scrapbook and she made a memory book of her loved one that she enjoys looking through when she is feeling lonely or sad.

If the death is traumatic or was perceived to be traumatic as we are seeing in COVID, I find it helpful to remind people that their loved ones were receiving care to minimize their pain at the end of their lives. I encouraged these patients to again write the “living” story and end it in a positive way to help the patient reprocess the death of their loved one in a more positive way. It may seem silly but if it is done repeatedly it can train your brain to think more positively of this persons end of life. It can help emotionally process the death in a less traumatic way. Another suggestion I make to people who have lost a loved one in a traumatic way is to find a new meaning in this death or find a new sense of purpose.

I have had patients who have lost loved ones and they relish in the idea that the person was a donor and was able to provide a quality of life or save the life of another person. I also encourage them to use this loss to engage in causes that were important to the loved one or re-energize the deceased person’s causes or organizations, finding a way to honor their loved one in their afterlife. I have even seen people who have started non-profits and college grants in the name of their lost loved ones.

Mindfulness is another suggestion I make for those who have lost someone. Mindfulness is helpful for people in gaining more connection with their physical health. It can be easy to get lost in your grief and check out of what is going on in your body because grief can be physically painful. But mindfulness can help relieve tension and pain. It can help relax muscles and re-energize the brain. It can also help you focus and get more aware of how grief has put stress on your body. It can also help you process the grief and manage the “waves” of feelings. Psychologist, Samuel Kumar wrote in the book Grieving Mindfully, “Grieving mindfully can be understood as making the decision to allow yourself to mourn, and to fully experience the lessons of grief with the goal of living life better… grief only services to highlight the depth of our capacity to love and be loved.”

If you feel like you are struggling with grief, don’t feel you have a safe and supportive environment, reaching out to a mental health professional can be beneficial in your grief process as well. But ALL the emotions and feelings you are having around this loss are normal and reasonable. Whether it’s anger, anxiety, sadness, or anything else, it is all normal. When we choose to ignore or suppress these feelings, it only leads to prolonged or delayed grief. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Surround yourself with others who are supportive, loving, and kind.

If you would like to learn more about how to find a therapist in your area with grief experience or any other questions, you can email me at Colleen@scatteredpotential.com, subscribe to my blog, or my newsletter by filling out the form below. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.