Boundaries & Letting Go
This pandemic has afforded me a lot of time to evaluate my relationships and also see those around me suffer due to a lack of boundaries. They’re good people but they allow others to take advantage of them and their generosity. As a society we have this subliminal message that we have to do everything and be everything to everyone, if we don’t we’re selfish. We have to sacrifice ourselves for others or we’re selfish. We avoid conflict like the plague. But when do our needs get met? If we ask for our needs to get met we may be considered demanding or again selfish. Ownership of our lives is our responsibility just like ownership of someone else’s life is their responsibility as well.
We have to step back and identify what is our responsibility and what isn’t. I appreciate this analogy from the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend, “…It is as if he’s your neighbor, who never waters his lawn. But whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, the water falls on his lawn. Your grass is turning brown and dying.” To sum it up, you’re doing all the work and his lawn is green so he doesn’t have anything to worry about because you’ll take care of his lawn at your own expense. Stop watering other people’s lawns…
How does this happen? Often it comes from growing up, we’re repeatedly told that we can’t tell our parents no when we don’t want to do something. Now don’t jump down my throat about this, I’m not saying it’s ok to let your children do whatever they want whenever they want but what I am saying is allowing them to have the choice along with the resulting consequences. This allows them to learn that there are choices in life but there are also consequences, allowing them to learn early on what behaviors they need to change. It also sets the stage for them to grow up with boundaries, teaching them that others don’t have the right to do with them whatever they wish.
Another thing we do is think that we can change another person if we just try harder. The reality, we try harder and they never learn, they do learn that we will bail them out over and over. We think we’re being the reliable or loyal friend/spouse/child/parent/sibling/etc but we aren’t, we’re enabling them to continue their bad behaviors and cushion them from the consequences. We’re also neglecting ourselves in the process. We have these unrealistic expectations that they’re going to change or finally start appreciating us and then they don’t. This results in us being irritable, resentful, or angry even though they’ve shown us over and over who they really are.
It’s time to take a step back and evaluate all of our relationships, are you giving more than you’re taking? Is the other person taking more than they’re giving? I’m sure we can all identify at least one person in our lives that we need to set boundaries or say goodbye to if they’re not willing to respect those boundaries. This goes for family and work as well, two of the hardest and most uncomfortable places to implement boundaries.
The first step is to identify the boundary problem. Where have you lost control or given it to someone else? Then ask yourself what behaviors you’re doing that allow it to continue. These are the behaviors you need to work to change. Remember, we can only take ownership of ourselves. We can’t change others. When you give in to these boundary violations, what need are you trying to get met or what are you trying to avoid losing? We often give people repeated chances to meet our needs only to be let down over and over again. I know this is hard to admit out loud, but we can be very delusional. Giving ourselves too much credit over our power to change others. And what gives us the right to think that we know what’s best for others? We don’t, we only know what is best for us.
Boundary setting can be scary and difficult to implement. If you start out just jumping right into a difficult boundary situation you are likely to fail. Setting boundaries with someone who has an aggressive communication style can be difficult especially when these habits are new to you. If you’re the person who says yes to everything, even well-intentioned people can be challenging when it comes to setting boundaries. People get used to treating you the way you have allowed them to treat you, when you make changes and start being more assertive they can question your motivations. It’s important to be persistent and realize that there will be pushback and sometimes a lot, but it will pay off in the end. You may also end up losing some relationships because some people just won’t be receptive, this is ok, it will allow you to focus your energy on those relationships that are based on mutual respect. Practice boundary setting and assertive communication with safe people and situations, places where you will be respected and your boundaries will be honored.
Setting boundaries is not an easy task and it will have a lot of challenges along the way. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. It’s not easy cutting out long-term relationships of any type but it is worth it. When we respect ourselves and respect others, we learn who really has our back. Relationships are about quality, not quantity. How many of you have “many” friends but still feel alone? Regardless if it’s a parent, lifelong friend, or acquaintance, it needs to be a relationship of mutual respect and admiration. If people take take take from you, you’re sacrificing your well being and denying yourself the freedom to love yourself and others. Keeping relationships based on fear is not fair to anyone, most importantly you.
If you have any additional questions about setting boundaries or letting go of people who drain your batteries, you can email me at Colleen@scatteredpotential.com, subscribe to my blog or my newsletter by filling out the form below. Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.